Reaction v. Reaction Combat

The current socio-political state of the U.S., amidst other factors like the internet and social media, is having a serious and concerning impact on conversations between Gen Z men and women. Gender equality and feminism, conversations that Gen Z was initially pioneering support for in our youth, have become increasingly contentious conversations in our young adult lives. Between social media trends like “the man or the bear”, Reddit threads on the “male loneliness epidemic”, countless posts about how disappointing dating is in the 2020s, and of course the rise of extremist right-wing conservatism that specifically targets young men; the conversation between young men and women has become fraught with rhetorical misfires, bigotry, and hatred. 

As a woman, who firmly believes the conversation being had amongst women is both crucial and warranted, I wanted to reach out to the male and male-identifying counterparts from NinetyEight’s Gen Z research collective, the Koi Pond, and hear their thoughts on the matter. Note that these responses come from a spectrum of men, including those who identify as part of the LGBTQIA+ community. 

‍

Lost In Translation (tw: sa)

What is this “conversation” between men and women right now exactly? Well, it’s less of a conversation, and more of a tit for tat polarized warfare facilitated through social media and comments sections. A strong majority of the content that is fueling the gender divide conversation right now is centered around the dating scene. The perfect example of this is r/NiceGirls and r/NiceGuys on Reddit, where users post their dating horror stories (usually shown via messages). The comments are filled with men (on r/NiceGirls) and women (on r/NiceGuys), supporting and validating the original poster. I will note, a glaring difference between the content on r/NiceGuys and r/NiceGirls, is that the content that women post on r/NiceGuys more often than not, contains men insinuating sexual assault, sexualizing the original poster, or just being straight up creepy which is not a feature of r/NiceGirls. Then of course you have women on TikTok expressing their disinterest in the dating scene (like in this video), where the comments section is filled with support and validation from other women, as well as men who are sharing their opinion on the matter (the top comment from a man: “a woman who doesn’t yap? too good to be true”). You can find similar videos from men on TikTok, but the comments section are mostly just men supporting and validating the original poster, without much input from women. The fight between men and women is age old, but social media and polarizing politics are taking it to new heights.

‍

Social media and the internet have created a dangerous space for (a lack of) discourse between men and women. Anonymity, radical spaces, and algorithms that promote sensationalist views are fueling a more intense and hate-filled dialogue between Gen Z men and women than ever before. Everyone is throwing out the worst of the worst on socials all the time, and when trained algorithms feed you content from your side of the gender divide, your views and takes on the situation are affirmed and you draw a conclusion without any real dialogue. One of our survey respondents sums it up perfectly, when asked if they think there’s a gender divide amongst Gen Z:

“Yes. I think it’s largely caused by social media and hookup culture. People are more comfortable showing their worst sides when behind a screen, and that applies for all genders. Men will say the most disgusting things about women online, and women will make horrible sweeping generalizations about k*lling all men online.”

‍

Manhood in Turmoil

A lot has changed for gender roles in the last 10 years, particularly post the “#MeToo” movement, which changed the expectation for how men should behave towards women and showed women banding together for a rightful cause against sexual assault, but also instigated a toxic cancel culture. Then, you have trending moments like “looking for a man in finance” which reinforces the societal expectation for a desirable man to be tall, handsome, and rich. This, in addition to a progressive push in the 2020s towards undoing toxic masculinity and redefining gender expression, which inversely pushed some young people deeper into extremist alt-right rabbit holes headed by Andrew Tate, has deeply complicated the experience of being a man right now.

‍

When asked how it “feels” to be a man presently, about half of respondents answered with a positive acknowledgement followed by a caveat: 

• “Generally easy but with very rigid expectations.”
• “Being a man feels very powerful to me, and it's also something I think has a lot of responsibility that comes with it”
• “It's just another way to be. It has quite a lot of advantages, but also ridiculous expectations in the U.S. of being hyperindividualistic and wealthy above all else.”

‍

A significant number of respondents, however, were more melancholy in their responses:

• “Lonely”
• “Feeling like I’m always treated as privileged when I’m not trying to”
• “Intense pressure, constantly feeling like I don’t know what to say, feeling like I have to pay for shit for people around me, feeling like I have to prove myself. High expectations.”

‍

Generally, there appeared to be a lot of answers that bordered on feeling bitter or defeated about being a man today. 71% of survey respondents said they felt like they had a strong-support system, with respondents giving an average rating of 3.5 out of 5 when asked how comfortable they are opening up to friends/family about their emotions. Despite feeling supported, when asked if “there are enough safe spaces for men to talk about their struggles”, the overall sentiment is that there is still much room for improvement:

‍

“There are some, but oftentimes these struggles are met with pushback especially from other men who are judgmental instead of supportive.”

‍

“Not quite, but I think a lot of that comes from societal pressure on men to ‘suck it up’ you could say. Many people perpetuate that both online and in person. Men, myself included, don't usually like opening up like that because of it, even when we know it helps.”

‍

Gen Z Men & Feminism

As the role of men and women have changed in the last decade or so, so has the development of the feminist movement. Since 2016, the U.S. has experienced a severe polarization in politics, resulting in extremist responses from both left and right-wing parties and the extreme politicization of social movements. Feminism has been no exception to this. Feminism has historically been a progressive movement that moved towards deconstructing women’s traditional role in society as a homemaker and baby factory, only to be the object of male attention. The goal was to be equal, at home, in the workplace, in pay, and in expectations for living. This is the true nucleus of the feminist movement. While that goal remains true, certain verbiage (like “k*ll all men”, “i hate all men”, etc.) has emerged from feminists that dilute the nature of the movement. Now, some young men are being introduced to feminism by these words, instead of the necessary education needed for them to understand and support the movement. Most men who responded to the survey acknowledged the importance of feminism and supported the movement themselves. However, some answers were a little more complex and included more nuanced thoughts on how the feminist movement is perceived by men today:

‍

What are your thoughts and feelings toward feminism today?

• “I think radical feminism which is defined by ideas of female superiority are taking public support away from feminism as a whole which is equality and very much important.”
• “I think that most forms of feminism are beneficial. However, it starts to become an issue when it devolves from ‘women are the same’ to ‘women first’.”
• “I absolutely support it, I think their movement is valid and completely warranted. To be a woman in today's world is hard, and it was of course even harder back then. I don’t blame their movement for the growing divide, however when it gets to extremes of hating all men - that’s just crazy I think…”

‍

Of course, the survey respondents' answers to this question fell on a spectrum, with some folks stating full-on support for feminism with no notes and a minority of respondents criticizing the current feminist movement for being “stupid” or akin to “neonazism.” Specifically, men that responded negatively towards the feminist movement noted the difference between feminism and radical feminism which is interpreted as superiority of women over men saying, “It has gone too far and is overcorrecting.” There is an important note to make here about the difference between traditional/liberal feminism and radical feminism; they differ only in their methods for achieving the same goal for equal rights for women. Traditional/liberal feminism is characterized by making change through the preexisting structure of society, like passing legislation. Radical feminism, however, believes that in order to actually achieve a world in which women are equal to men, it is necessary to dismantle the system and structure that perpetuates inequality – essentially that legislation isn’t enough. Radical feminism’s ideology and goal is not to k*ll all men, nor does it work towards a world in which women are superior to men. Now, are there radical feminists who believe in that? Yes. Overall, supportive but critical responses (which were the majority) offered me the insight that a majority of respondents support women fighting for equality, and acknowledge the disparity there is between men and women, but feel there is work to be done within the current feminist movement – ideally, work that involves a more open and nuanced conversation. 

‍

The “I Hate Men” Conversation

“I hate men”. We’ve all heard it. Most women have said it. The sentiment is an expression of the generational weight of being a woman and experiencing misogyny, mistreatment, and violence at the hands of men. Whether or not the statement is entirely true or strictly hyperbolic for the person who is saying it is inconsequential. The majority of our respondents' answers have led me to believe that the “I hate men” conversation is driving young men and women further and further away from gender equality. This sentiment actually appears to be generating increasing misunderstanding of feminism and women’s rights as well as hate towards women, and discourages young men from supporting the movement. In its worst cases, it can actually drive young men into conservative, misogynist echochambers.

‍

What is your reaction when you hear phrases like "I hate all men"?

• “I understand why many people feel that way. I always try to be an exception, but even with friends who think like that, it’s almost like they don’t see me as a man. I know it contributes a lot to why some young men are beginning to become right-wing.”
• “I roll my eyes and try to avoid talking to the person who said that. It upsets me.”
• “Stings but I try to take it in stride, it’s rarely meant literally so I don’t pick a fight over it.”
• “I completely get it. But I think it’s reactionary to a bad experience and I don’t think it helps any issues we are facing.”

‍

Bridging Gen Z’s Gender Divide

So what do we do? On one hand, women should not have to cater a movement about women to a man’s response to it. Point blank. On the other hand, the current conversation around gender equality seems to be breeding more hatred towards women and is becoming increasingly counterproductive. It’s a constant push and pull: as more men feel isolated by the current conversation and find solace in echochambers, more misunderstanding and violence towards women breeds, which results in further radicalization of the feminist movement and women’s feelings towards men. It’s reaction v. reaction-based combat, with the only result being further extremism on both sides, until the initial movement for gender equality and the imperative reasoning for it, gets watered down to nothing.

‍

How do we even begin to untangle the nightmare spaghetti that the current gender conversation is entangled in? First, we start by acknowledging that the current conversation is not productive. We need to take a second, pause and think before having an immediate reaction (e.g. “I hate men” or “Feminists are neonazis”). Grand sweeping generalizations and characterizations like this, specifically facilitated through the comments sections on social media, are ruining any chance at seeing eye to eye. Secondarily, Gen Z needs to make major strides towards educating themselves on intersectional feminism, which has been largely lost upon Gen Z as a whole. Intersectional feminism “centres the voices of those experiencing overlapping, concurrent forms of oppression in order to understand the depths of the inequalities and the relationships among them in any given context” (source). This step has been called upon by many people of color as well as the LGBTQIA+ community. This will help to aid the thought process that feminism is about many voices. Finally, we need to reevaluate and restructure the place that men have in this conversation, as well as in the world at large, to better create a society that is safe and supportive for women. Men need to change the conversation amongst themselves, to one that is more accepting of vulnerability, compassion, and healthy companionship. When our male survey respondents were asked “What do you think would help young men in society today”, an overwhelming majority of responses cited the need for further destigmatization of men’s mental health, increased emphasis on healthy male friendships and community, and scaling back on social media:

‍

“Better resources for mental health and ending the stigma in reaching out for help. Having open spaces for men and women to coexist without fighting about gender identity and which gender is better.”

‍

“Less social media, less media disinformation, forming genuine relationships with women.”

‍

The point of this piece is not to make excuses for men, nor is it to devalue the feminist movement by hinging its success on how men feel. The point of this article is to acknowledge that the direction that men and women are going today is dangerous, perpetuates the cycle of violence, and further polarizes the divide between genders. To win, to close the gender divide, and for women to feel safe, we need to start talking to each other. Right now, the conversation about feminism and gender equality has become an us vs. them battle that no one is winning. Like any movement, this change can start on the individual level. Have open dialogues with those around you and challenge yourself to talk to people whose views you don’t understand. Work on forming deeper, more meaningful relationships across genders. No matter what your views are, challenge yourself to be more open-minded, to be more understanding, to work together towards a common goal without destroying each other in the process. Progress, on either side, cannot be found by climbing over the bodies of your enemies.